"My heart lives in so many places. With so many people. But God whispers to me that I really have only one home, and that is with Him. I will never be content on this earth. I will always be a nomad. It was meant to be that way. My heart was created with a desire for a home, a nest, a sanctuary, and that can be found only with Him in Heaven."// Katie Davis
These last few months have been incredibly difficult. The decision to leave everything I have here: my dream salon and my wonderful family there, my church and groups I'm a part of, and the amazing friends I have made especially at church, all to go to Bible college still hurts although I am overjoyed with the prospect of attending. To raise enough money to attend, I'm working four jobs which hurts my time with God, friends, family, and my sanity. So is this what God wants for me? Is the struggle worth it?
So far, it always has been. Don't get me wrong: there is really no where I would love to be more than at Bible college. It's just that at this moment I feel like I have a heart for too many things and it creates an inner turmoil. There has always been a fine line with me between pushing myself and pushing myself too far. I am committed and driven in where I am going and always have been. I also love things to be perfect, planned, under control, safe.
This summer has taught me a lot about changing that. "Going with the flow" is definitely not what I'm used to and takes some deep breaths but at the end of the day, it gives new opportunities I would have probably not been given otherwise. I have sat with many and spoke about my decision to purse Bible college and how it doesn't often seem possible or completely make sense with where my life is now yet I still feel so compelled to go. I had a friend say that she's never heard me sound so sure of something before and therefore she feels quite confident in how much it is in my heart.
If I could somewhat condense my thoughts here and not ramble, I would say something like this: I want to live a life devoted 100% to God. That picture is very challenging to me though. Practically, what exactly does 100% devotion mean? How do we live in the world yet live for God? Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right thing? Although I know nothing I do will "win God over" these thoughts often flood my head. At the end of the day, these are things I need to prayerfully consider - the choices that in the end, are my free will to make no matter what God might be telling me.
I don't feel right where I am (I possibly never will). I don't know what I'm built for. My heart is in far too many places with far too many people. It's not the worst place to be but it sure is difficult one. I will always wander and never fully feel at home until I'm at home with Him. That's probably the hardest thing to accept. But God never said it would be easy. Our relationship with Him should be challenging to our everyday lives and for me it definitely is.
At the end of the day, I have faith that He is in control. He protects me and provides me with the strength to get though everyday. Does that mean that I don't have doubts? Absolutely not. Full tuition is out of my reach and I'm fully aware of that. I remain a realist with an overflowing faith. In constant irony, I try to find some middle ground. No matter what, I want to seek God always, trusting that He will provide.
Even when I feel torn, even when I am scared and unsure, He will provide.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for my wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the Lord. // Jeremiah 29:11-14
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